The Subtle Spectrum An Honest Account of Autistic Discovery Relationships and Identity 1st Edition by Joanna Grace ISBN 9781000390803 1000390802

1 Introduction

2 Mapping experiences of being a diagnosed autistic: more of a doodle than an Ordnance Survey Map

2.1 Relief

2.2 Questioning how to phrase your identification

2.3 Deciding who to tell

2.4 Thinking about everything over and over again

2.5 Have you been being You or have you been being your best impression of Normal?

2.6 Paradigms, prejudices and neuro-normative narratives

2.7 Wrestling with your own biases, prejudices and stereotypes

3 Travelling from autism awareness to autistic identity

3.1 Difference

3.2 Awareness

3.3 Understanding

3.4 Acceptance

3.5 Recognising

3.6 Identity

4 Fragments of difference

4.1 Playgroup

4.2 The playground

4.3 Another playground

4.4 Shadows

4.5 Trees and toilets

4.6 Sticks and stones

5 Reflections on difference

5.1 Everyone is different

5.2 Could things have been different?

5.3 Slow-motion memories

6 Fragments of awareness

6.1 Watching paint dry

6.2 The yoghurt conundrum

6.3 Scripting conversation

6.4 Job interview

7 Moving between difference and awareness

7.1 Realising difference

7.2 Reflections on awareness

8 Diagnosis

8.1 Fixing

8.2 Masking

8.3 Unveiling

8.4 Going to the doctor

8.5 Going to the clinical psychologist

9 The report

9.1 A grown-up child

9.2 Emotions

9.3 Social skills

9.3.1 Perspective on ‘success’

9.4 Forming relationships

9.5 Communication

9.5.1 Communication in context

9.5.2 Communication within relationships

9.6 Fixed and focused thinking

9.7 Reflection: a mosaic

10 Blog part one: : the first weeks after diagnosis

10.1 Does this suit me?

10.2 Week one wobbles

10.3 Telling people

10.4 You do not seem autistic

10.5 I am autistic: I am English

10.6 Hiding in the closet

10.7 Even ‘out’ it is still locked inside

10.8 I am not right anymore

11 Reflecting on the impact of diagnosis on my identity

11.1 Identity erased

11.2 Say Yes to the Dress

11.2.1 Repeated study

11.3 Deficit and pathology

11.4 Coming out

12 Blog part two: : the first months after diagnosis

12.1 Give up masking?

12.2 Double thinking diminishes me

12.3 Blog part two

12.3.1 Is my binary thinking right or wrong?

12.3.2 So cross I could cry

12.3.3 Worn out by wearing so many layers

12.3.4 Absence makes the heart grow fonder

12.3.5 Sticks and stones

12.3.6 Barriers between the neurotypical, the self-diagnosed neurodivergent and the professionally diagnosed neurodivergent communities

12.3.7 Is my love like your love?

12.3.8 Friend or symptom?

13 Reflection

13.1 Looking back

13.2 Looking forward – acceptance

13.3 Everyone

13.4 Life

13.5 Suicide

14 Blog part three: half a year after diagnosis

14.1 Lacking in the social graces

14.2 Glass layers

14.3 All they can be?

14.4 Here be dragons

14.5 I can’t keep up

14.6 I make up stories

14.7 Ticking the right boxes

14.8 Just out of reach

15 Reflection: history repeating

16 Love across a neurodiverse divide (explanations of a photoblog)

16.1 An empty space on brand new shelves

16.2 A door open, the same door pictured ajar and closed

16.3 A screen shot of a WhatsApp message

16.4 A tablet mounted on an adjustable stand

16.5 Britney’s shaven head

16.6 An old desktop computer

16.7 My reflection in a train vestibule window

16.8 A single eye

16.9 A packet of antibiotics

16.10 A cartoon of stick men entitled ‘Call a spade a spade’

16.11 Me five months pregnant wearing workout clothing

16.12 A crystal ball

17 Reflection: interoception

17.1 Are you excited?

17.2 Smiling at work

17.3 How are you?

17.4 Interoception

17.5 An implausible world

18 Emotional connection

18.1 Friendships and emotions

18.2 Emotional shutdown

18.3 Divorce

18.4 Dangers of misinterpretation

18.5 The picture of my son and me

19 Pregnancy (explanations of a photoblog)

19.1 A pack of information about pregnancy

19.2 A urine sample pot

19.3 A scrap of paper with a few inadequate notes scrawled upon it

19.4 Me with a newborn standing in a beam of sunlight in an orchard outside a small cottage hospital in Germany

20 Special interests

20.1 My special interest

21 Reflection: recognising the impossibility of change was crucial

22 To be identified is our pride

Bibliography

Notes

Index